why Do i Do?

Why do i do the things i don't want to do.... i am tired, tired of doubting that God is going to pull me through, when in my mind i know He will. He is so good. Sometimes it is so intense that it does not seem real. i have been praying so much to see His face. Because He is much greater than His blessings. So just getting to enjoy the sweetness of Him is good enough for me. But the other day i was driving down the road ya know, and i was praying...Lord I love seeing your face but can i see your hand in my life, just to be assured it is there (which duh I know) but the heart needs the experience. and that's all i had to do was to ask, as simple as that and He showed up in so many different ways. i was short on my paycheck this pay period and God provided...out of nowhere!! He was also speaking verses into my heart and reaffirmed them when I was spending time with Him...just happened:) to read the same verses that were spoken to me earlier. a bunch of other things He did for me as well. I don't deserve any of it...esp after the way i acted on Christmas..selfish, a total glutton!! Being angry that I feel like a lot of Christians miss the point at Christmas and I did as well...i will never be good enough for Jesus and that is the miracle of Chritmas or should i just say Jesus being born at all. Jesus You are so very amazing. I love you and enjoy you immensly. SO much I feel like I cannot keep up with what you are showing me because it is all so great. Let my life be for you...not me, not what I want, but what you want. The rest i am sure will fall into place. You have been, even before i knew you, my stronghold and my defense. Of Father continue to defend me and hold me, so close to you. Lead me in new ways. Help me constantly to point others to You. You are all we need. Not 7 ways to be better for you...help us to get rid of the smoke screens, help us to be a peoplel who long and desire Your name and the spread of Your renown...not because of us but becasue of You. Please fill my life with You and nothing less....